I'm Still Here

I realized today that though I have written tons of blog posts in my head, none of them have made it all the way to the computer. I've been unusually quiet lately. It will be shocking if you can keep up with the failed logic that has led to this but because I want my own record of what God has been up to lately I'm going to try and explain.

I have been struggling lately. Once the new year started I found myself praying for the same thing over and over. I would love to tell you that it was super spiritual and prompted by Godly motives, but that would be a lie. A big one.

I was praying for a year off. I'm not even sure what I meant but it was something along the lines of a year without medical drama or life altering events. It was shallow and rooted entirely in self pity.

A few weeks ago Rachel and I met with her corneal specialist and, to make a long story short, the drops aren't working any more. Her body is continuing to reject the transplanted cornea despite the steroid drops every hour. The doctor was dramatic and kept pinching the bridge of his nose. In his defense, I get that Rachel's case is complicated and often leaves the doctors wondering what the next step should be. I just think he should have developed a better poker face by now.

Back to the point.

It looks like there might be another transplant in the near future. That alone was discouraging. But this time it's bugging Rachel. Normally if something bothers her about all of this it lasts for a day or two at the most. This time hasn't been that way. She isn't bringing it up every day but often enough that I can tell it is weighing on her more than normal. She, more than the rest of us, knows what to expect if we have to repeat the transplant.

In the past week she has said that she wished she could tell the future because that way she would know if she will need the surgery or not. She told me that she keeps thinking about it and whenever her mind is not thinking of something else she is thinking about the possible surgery. She has been asking lots of questions about the surgery and more specifics about her eyes.

Each time we lead her back to Christ. We try to explain what is means to borrow trouble and to take every thought captive. It's all biblical and true but it's weighty stuff for an adult to grasp, and she's only 8.

Even as I type this I am thankful that she is learning these lessons young. They will serve her well no matter what the future holds for her. I know that God is going to use this to bring glory to Himself and make her more like Christ. But it still stings.

This month I read a section of Systematic Theology on the attributes of God. Grudem was saying that all of God's attributes are infinite. I just kept thinking that as loving as I know God to be, He is infinitely more loving. It blew my mind. And humbled me. And made me annoyed with myself. I repented and asked God to change my heart. Focusing on how loving He is made me wonder how I could ever doubt His plan for my life ... or Rachel's life. It made me frustrated at my own lack of trust.

And then I went to church on Sunday. It was a beautiful reminder that God does not expect us to stand at a funeral with a stupid grin acting like it doesn't hurt because we trust Him. Trust can have a different face. It's okay to cry and it's okay to want my 8 year old to be able to see herself on her wedding day and to see her own children. It's okay to miss Gideon and Gabriel. God gets it. And more than getting it He is right there comforting me while I struggle with His plan. Jesus is interceding for me. That's a crazy love I will never be able to comprehend.

Praise God we belong to Him!