The Battle

A few weeks ago I sat in church and listened to a sermon about the apostle Peter. I was struck by how much like Peter I am. Big passion followed by big sin. Pride so big that when I do stumble I am shocked at the level of my own sin, instead of being humble enough to realize that there is no sin I won't commit when I am living under my own strength.

Over the last two years I have struggled with fear, anxiety, worry, and all the things that go along with that. It has always been a struggle, but since I delivered Gideon, and then Gabriel, it has gotten worse. I recognize it as sin, but lately God has been convicting me more and more. I have prayed, but to be honest, I have not been diligent about fighting this sin in my life.

A little over a week ago I was talking to a friend after small group and telling her that I was done with this sin. I was ready to wage war on fear. I confessed that it is high-handed sin against God and a complete lack of trust in His plan for my life. It is an assault on His character and is functional atheism. I made bold statements about this sin in my life, about how I saw this sin as being difficult on my marriage (because irrational fear doesn't really cause me to have a gentle and quiet spirit), and what I was going to do to be finished with this sin.

Fast forward twelve hours. All day Saturday Michael's eyes looked a little odd. By early evening it was evident that it was pink eye. I won't go into all the details, but Rachel getting pink eye could lead to life-altering consequences. I left fear behind and went to full blown panic mode. As I was driving to the pharmacy to pick up the prescription and buy a lifetime supply of Clorox wipes, I was praying. But really I can't call it that. I was basically just telling God all my fears and not really asking for His input. And guess what God said back, Cock-A-Doodle-Do. Where were all of my lofty promises now? What about the fact that I said I was going to be done? Was I really finished with fear, or just content to let it take over and handle this like someone who does not bear my Father's name?

I was struck by the magnitude of my own sin, and it wasn't pretty.

Over the last week random things keep happening. All in a row. Chloe started with something in her eyes, and it turned out not to be pink eye, but a reaction to some pool chemicals. The next day Rachel started with something similar, which seems to have gotten better in a day. That sounds quick, but a whole day spent wondering what this will mean long term and waiting for her doctor to get back with us, was, well, long.

The whole time I was trying to fight the anxiety, but I found myself giving in to old habits. Scratch that. I was giving in to familiar sin.

Last night Rachel and I made a run to the emergency room because she started having strange swelling on one side of her face and she was complaining that it hurt. I handled it poorly. By the time we got there she and I were both worked up and again God reminded me that MY SIN WAS SIN AND I WAS TRAINING MY DAUGHTER TO DO IT AND DID I REALLY WANT TO LIVE LIKE THIS!?! Again, the magnitude of my sin was overwhelming. I apologized to Rachel and talked to her for a long time about the sin of fear.

It turns out that she has an infection in the lymph nodes around her jaw and neck. It had doubled in size by this morning, but they assure me the antibiotics will work in a day or two.

So here's what I forgot. In the biblical account of Peter's denial, Jesus tells him that satan has asked for Peter, that he may sift him like wheat. What I forgot is that we have a very real enemy who isn't going to give up the foothold I have given him in my life. He doesn't want to lose ground he already has. I know that ultimately God controls all of it, but I do believe that this week has been my enemy waging war right back.

So, why this ridiculously long post? So many women that I talk to struggle with fear. We act like it's part of our job as mothers. We feel justified, and even like better moms when we worry about our kids.

I would love to see more women wage war on this sin. And I would love to have us encourage each other when we are giving in to worry. We need to remind each other that God is on His throne, this isn't His day off. That we have responsibilities as mothers, but that doesn't include worry. That it's a denial of who God is and we need to fight against it.

If this week is an indication, I know it is going to be a struggle. But it is one I am committing to. And the good news is I know God wants this sin to be gone, and His power is available to fight the good fight.

Psalm 112:6-8 Surely he will never be shaken; The righteous will be in everlasting remembrance. He will not be afraid of bad news; His heart is steadfast, trusting in the Lord. His heart is established; He will not be afraid