Still Here

Since I don't have the energy to take down the Christmas decorations in my house, I thought I would start here. It takes way less time.

Our Christmas was nice this year, but I have to admit, it never really felt like Christmas. I'm not sure why, but I'm guessing it was me. I think I spent the whole holiday season holding my breath. As we made plans I kept wondering if they would be interrupted with heartbreak.

There really are no words to describe how amazing I think it is that I am still carrying this little girl. But, I also have to admit that I am struggling more with the absence of Gideon and Gabriel. I know where they are, and I know that they don't need a thing from me. But I miss them. And the bigger this little girl gets, the more I long for them to be here to be a part of it all. In a completely surprising way this pregnancy is making our recent miscarriages harder.

But God is changing me and causing me to focus more on Him. And my lack of trust. I will never understand why it is hard to trust God. The same God that is so far above me that I cannot comprehend Him or His plans. The same God that faced the cross and hung there for me. I will never understand why I think I could do it better. I can't wait until we see Him, face to face, and the sin that we fight every day will no longer be a struggle. Can you even imagine that? I look forward to the day when I don't have to fight my own thoughts all day long and can be consumed only with His glory.

I hope you all had a great Christmas!