My Hope

I really hope that I can reflect what's in my heart right now, but I am guessing this will fall short. I have been getting really excited lately, and I want to have a reminder of what God is showing me.

Our newest addition should be here in about 5 weeks, and I still have nothing for her. My mother-in-law sent a bag of assorted size clothes, and I did manage to get those washed, but that's all. People are offering me clothes, bedding, and other baby things. I am very thankful, and I have told them all that I would love them, but just not yet.

A few weeks ago I went to the doctor and she told me that they will not be letting me go until 40 weeks, but will be inducing me around 39 weeks. I understand their reasoning and given that I have never gone into labor on my own, I am fine with that plan. But when we left the doctor I was a little overwhelmed. A whole week less to prepare and get things ready. I told Mike, in a very panicky voice, that she was coming. Soon. And we had nothing ready. He graciously offered to go with me to buy a crib, right then. I looked shocked and said, "But, it's too early for a crib." He laughed. You really can't blame him.

Later, after I calmed down I told him that I really think the sight of a crib in our house would cause me to hyperventilate. Same with all of the other baby things. The thought of a crib, just sitting there waiting, makes my heart hurt.

So, of course, on the heels of that, I have been thinking that I am not in a very good place. I have been praying and asking God to give me the thoughts and emotions He wants me to have. I've been doing that this whole pregnancy, and I believe that He has shown up in ways even I don't quite get. But still, I have no confidence that this little girl will physically join our family on this earth. I am not ready to go out and buy the things she will need, because I'm not sure I can handle more unused baby things.

I get that I am 34 weeks pregnant and it looks good. The doctors are hopeful (although still very cautious), and most of my friends and family are talking about this birth as if it's a sure thing. The bottom line is that it isn't.

So I know that sounds like I'm still not doing well. And that has been my struggle. I keep asking God to show me if it's wrong. If I'm not trusting or not hoping for the best. If I'm somehow robbing of Him of glory because I don't have a waiting nursery.

And then Monday night I was at a meeting that opened in worship. Most of the songs focused on the hope we have, in Christ alone. And then I stated thinking. I am completely fine with whatever God decides. I hope and pray that I will get to watch this little girl grow up, but I know my God. I know that He loves me, and that His love will be no less evident if He decides to call her home rather than to my arms. I know that His plan for me is perfect. Not do-able, not okay, not so-so, perfect. If the same God that hung the stars and planned the cross is calling the shots, I have no reason to fear. And it hit me that since my hope is in Christ, and not in this child, I'm doing fine. Better than fine. Because that is a hope that cannot disappoint.

I'm excited because I belong to Him. Because the gospel is real, and it changes the way I look at my life. I'm excited that His plan will unfold. I'm thankful that I don't have to worry about my kids, or my husband, or my family going through another tragedy, because God has enough grace for them too. I'm so thankful for the cross and for the God who loves us enough to show up so faithfully.

So, I'm going to spend the next five weeks praising God for who He is and asking Him to prepare me for what He has next for my family, whatever that might be.