God's Just Nice

Last week the kids were on Spring break. We decided to make a trip to the zoo with my sister-in-law and her three kids.

As we were walking around my sister-in-law asked if I thought I was having another boy this time around. I told her I wasn't sure, and that I didn't have a strong feeling one way or the other. Then I confessed that I am having a hard time thinking that a baby is going to come from this pregnancy. I tried to explain my thoughts to her, but I'm not really sure that I can. Here goes.

With all of my other children, the minute I found out I was pregnant, I wanted a name. I planned much of their lives and thought about what our new addition would look like, act like, how it would change our family. I thought about the months right after the birth. How schedules would have to change, what changes I should make during the pregnancy to make the transition smoother. In short, I held tightly to the fact that when you are pregnant, at some point, you have a baby to take care of. I never worried about miscarriages once I passed the first few weeks. All that changed when Gideon died. I was 20 weeks along, which is well past the norm.

This time around I am excited about being pregnant. But it is different. I don't stay awake at night worrying about this baby or wondering what God will do. But I am holding very loosely to this baby. This child does not belong to me. He or she, is God's, and He can do whatever He sees fit to do. I trust that He is God, that He loves me, and that He will always do what makes me more like Him.

I was trying to get that all across to my sister-in-law without sounding like I am gloom and doom about the baby. I was telling her that I am still early in the pregnancy. Sometimes I think I feel the baby move, but it is light and it could be anything. I know that for the next few short weeks I won't feel the baby every day. That's normal. But it takes a lot to fight the good fight in my head. I have to remind myself that the only way I can possibly know if the baby is okay, is to be in my doctor's office, with the ultrasound running. And that just isn't where I want to live (though they have offered to do one weekly if I want). I was telling her that I trust God, and that I have to live there and not constantly demand to know what is going on with my baby.

And then the most amazing thing happened. As I was speaking, literally in the middle of a sentence about now knowing if the baby was alive or not, I felt the baby move. Once. And then again. No denying it, no wondering if that was really the baby. Isn't God amazing?!? I'm standing at the zoo, and the same God that is sustaining the giraffes, the zebras, and all the people I am looking at, cares enough about me, and my crazy thoughts, to send a reminder of His love, His mercy and His understanding where my head and heart are in all of this. My eyes filled with tears (which is a Margie Petri version of bursting into tears) and I was able to share with my sister-in-law, who is saved, the love that God had just shown me.

I just think He's super nice!